Life as I Know It

   

did it.

launched it.

yes!  not bad stella

http://www.smart.com.ph/Gold/Services/Smart_myTV.htm

i’m in a slump.

there is so much that needs fixing.

i lost my head (and God knows what else) yet again.

yes.

sadly so.

i have become a cliche.

older but none the wiser.

i am generally a good judge of character.

but i made a mistake.

fine.

so i did.

therefore, i will stand up and shake off the dust.

maybe look back once in a while.

that’s fine.

if only to avoid wandering off that path again.

I celebrated by birthday last Tuesday.  I was initially planning to take my 3-day mandatory leave thinking of going someplace I haven’t been.  Palawan was foremost in my mind.  Backpacking sounded fun.  I just needed to be near the mountains and the beach.  The timing was perfect.  I could take the boat and sleep off the entire 30 hours.  No phonecalls, no text , no messages, no emails.  Just blissful sleep at the not-so-posh cabin but what the heck!  I need the peace and quite and the restful hum of the of the boat.  By the time I get to Puerto Princesa, I’m all too fit for the adventure with I, Me, and Myself.  That was how I wanted it to be.

But then, it was the wrong time of the quarter.  Work was probably on its highest toxic level.  So I went to work.  Nevertheless, it was fun.  I was overwhelmed by the greetings, the gifts, and the shared laughter. 

Nothing like a birthday to jerk you to reality that no matter that life sucks at times, there will always be family and friends that makes it all worthwhile.  And that I may not have everything that I dreamed, hoped, prayed, and fought for, I am still blessed in so many ways.

Life the way I know it @ 34…

… Family will always be family.  Although I cannot brush aside the betrayals love remains and the fervent prayer that good days will come at last.

… Friends are the best this life can offer.  And the best ones you will always keep closest to your heart.

… Love does take hostages.  And you hurt as much as you love.  The good thing is, the heart and the soul heals over time.  I still believe that   and in the interim, there’s cheap wine and beer to make you numb.

… Flowers, chocolates and gifts are not that eloquent anymore.

… Sometimes you have to forgive yourself for being a fool again.  older but not necessarily wiser. 

… I love dogs.  Two in particular.  I love my probinsyano dachshund Kulit.  He’s my original baby.  And my operada - boxed in Ally McBeagle.  Just my luck.  The dogs that I own have minds of their own.  Hardheaded, hyperactive, misbehaved pets.  I adore them nonetheless

… I have an evil streak.  I forgive but I never forget.  And I wish… eternal sunshine for the spotless mind.

… I need to be reminded that life is like a box of chocolate.  You will never know what you’re going to get.   And that the best way to live is take happiness and dead ends when it comes.

… One has to always make time for the things that matter.  There might not be another chance.

… Life does goes on… unless you’re dead.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

I was at Keisha’s baptismal today.  I was not ninang but I made sure I caught up with the rights coz up to now I still get embarrassed whenever I remember that I missed the entire ceremony during Keane’s baptism last year. 

Today, I heard something new from the priest. That there’s only one important role we have in this life, and that is to teach (a child) faith, hope, and love.  And that in the end, that’s all we’re accountable for.

Now who can do that?  Not when each one is groping in the dark for the same. And especially not when one becomes an adult.

I used to have bigger faith… in God, in the inherent goodness of man, in a lot of things. I was more hopeful… to brighter mornings.  for things to always turn out right.  And I was less cynical about love.   I was a firm believer.

And then I grew up.

…perhaps a child has more to teach on that which truly matters.

To borrow a line from Judee’s blog, "These were the photographs that stayed in his mind: the ones he hadn’t taken".

how sad that i have a vivid picture in my mind.  i want to take it but it’s denied me.

i look at pictures.  some makes me happy.  some makes me wistful.

others just tear me apart…

Friday.  Downed 4 bottles already.  Feeling slightly bolder to express my anger and frustrations. La lang.  I’m one angry bitch lately.  and rightly so.  what do I care if I am understood or not. What the hell!  I know I could use a break.

… my eyes are getting better.  i wish I can forget.  With all my heart I wish…

… I still wish it’s a different Friday. i was really looking forward to it. but its not.  and it’s driving me up the wall.  Depression is my familiar.  I wish otherwise.

… they say the way to living is by being optimistic.  but as always, keeping your hopes high feels like you are ripping your heart with your own hands.

… I don’t want to cry.  Not at all.  It’s tiring.  But it’s beyond me…

Is a weekend break really too much to ask for?

Should I vote.

Bilis ng panahon.

It’s that time of the year.  I’m making this my guide -

http://www.beliefnet.com/religion/christianity/lent/calendar.html

And I will try my bestest to NOT drink on Fridays

Not long ago, I wear socks to sleep.  Without preamble, the weather’s changed.  I can actually smell summer in the air.  The view from our office window.  Hot days are here again!

Kenneth, on a “Nagpapaka-profound” mode:

I am lost in the scent of charms and amulets of quiapo.

I am basking in the music of the pleadings of faith vendors and hawkers.

When finally I was drawn to the famed church of the black Nazarene,

I’ve realized one prayer that should have been learned way before.

One very frank prayer, yet will never offend God:

Lord, since the deluge of problems come flooding my life incessantly,

I do not ask you to solve them for me.

All I ask is strength that I may look them straight in the eye.

Words of wisdom according to Alex Bermas

“Walang malayong kulangot sa mahabang kuko.”

Ang sabi ni Pareng Neil… 

finorward ko lang naman.  Masyadong maraming nag-react.  Jimmy, how can this be totga?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”   –  Neil  Gaiman – The Sandman

If You Knew. Saddest song I’ve ever heard. 

Dahil kay Bermas, nakilala ko si Nina Simone.  Waaa!!! kakaiyak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAv1FDpdnmE

Kamote insight.  Inspired by the profound analysis of Crisostomo Ibarra.

Perhaps I fixate on my laundry and at applying floorwax at unholy hours of the night (or dawn) not for the lack of things to do but because it has a “cleansing” effect.  I was doubtful until he said “bakit nag-iisip ka ba habang nagkukusot?”.  True.  On those rare occasions, blanko nga pala isip ko.

Quote from another random spam… it bites!

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

Can you keep up?

Once a fan, always a fan.  I love Nicholas Cage even if half the time he’s a fiery skull ;-)  gwapo!

So what am I doing blogging at this ungodly hour?  On valentine’s day?  Why the hell not?  I’ve been having my extreme zombie episodes again.  Last night (dawn), I texted doc edith for a sleeping pill prescription.  Of course she said no.  Yes my doctor friends.  I’ve been counting.  Twice I’ve been turned down.  Jongki you know you win the first place ribbon.  Hmp!

Now let’s see… I was holding back from blogging today until Kenneth texted.  So Irog, thanks to you, I will put my thoughts into html.  It is the same thing anyway - today is not among my favorite.  Especially not since I “grew up”.

My valentine trivia.

… My earliest memory of valentine’s day is a jolly card from mommy.  It was for me and my brother.  The cover shows a little girl in red dress and a BIG smile holding a heart beside a boy with an equally big grin (all teeth showing to the world hehe).  The message says “we be valentine’s ja-ja!”  For the longest time I wondered who ja-ja was.  I suppose even mama was clueless at that time hehehe  well what can I say?  Mommy has class.  She knows german. Ja?  I wonder where that card is now.  I’m sure it’s there somewhere.  Will look for it next time I’m home.

…Back in elementary, I dreaded the art class valentine’s card project.  And why not?  How many versions can there be of cupids and hearts can there be?  And the local store always seems to ran out of the glossy red colored paper.  but the flat faded kind is always available.  how sad.

…High school holds the best valentine memories.  What with the crushes and the carefree ways of a teenager!  If I manage to reach old age, I would have a lot to show the young ones how I grooved.  Really! Hmmm sometimes I do wonder where all the charm went hahaha

…The valentine best forgotten was 1998.  It was suppose to be a “surprise” picnic at the UP fair grounds.  I bought cheap wine, plastic cups, Japanese take-out, and chocolate cake.  I fell asleep waiting in vain.  Should have woken up and walked out the next day.  Silly girl.

…Most embarrassing (read:  shamelessly drunk and wasted) was in 2000.  a broken heart + a commiserating bestfriend in the name of vina + a tolerant friend named ram + countless rounds of flavored lambanog shots at the UP fair = endless waterworks, passing out, waking up with eyebags bigger than balikbayan boxes, an upset stomach, and a 2-day hang-over.

…The most trying-hard valentines was in 2001.  I remember how vina and I wanted to celebrate valentines with a single-but-happy attitude.  It backfired! Hahaha we ended up swearing off going out on such occasions in a busy district like Timog, car-less, and hungry!

…Most terrifying was in 2002.  I had a prom tour event then.  I didn’t make it.  I was battling high fever and chills.  For the first time in my life, I seriously got scared (umm second time pala).  I thought I’d never live until daylight.  As soon as daylight broke, I left for Capitol Med.  The doc ordered I check in right away.  Turned out I had pneumonia.  I was hospital chick for a week then.  The running joke at Summit: “Ste ganun na ba kalamig ang valentines mo at nagka-pneumonia ka?!”. ouch! I just had to laugh in between coughing bouts.

…Best valentines ever was 2003. Wine, home-cooked mushroom ala jillo, candle-lit veranda overlooking pasig, music, easy conversation and the very best company – jenny, ed, and vina. I still think it was the happiest valentine’s day by far.

… and all the years after, I was saved the hassle of making up an excuse for something to do on this day. I had prom tours back in summit (feeling high school? hahaha). My first year in smart, I was romancing Andres Bonifacio at Monumento during Caloocan’s fiesta. Last year, I was on a hyper travel mode connecting the dots from CDO – MNL – DVO – CDO.

… so how about 07? Kebs. Lived through broken hearts, pneumonia, and events. Who knows where I’ll end up today? Life always has a trick up its sleeves. I’m game!

and mekla thanks to this i had an early laugh yesterday :))

i hear a million voices.  none of which is loud enough.  i see a million pictures.  none of which is vivid enough.  it’s all faint whispers and hazy pictures.  what now?