Life as I Know It

i forgot how fun it is to get to know people.

i forgot what learning is like in a classroom.

i forgot how enriching shared experience is.

it’s wonderful to be reminded that everyone has a story to tell.

a moonless night
a solitary wolf howls
shadows of fear creeping
coldness prevails
the mind wonders
the heart weeps
the soul yearns

it is a long way til dawn.

Sent her off this morning. 

It was a day like any other day. 

Except to us it wasn’t. 

Crossroads.

How many in a lifetime? Noone knows.

Fearing for the unknown is as natural as breathing.

How to get unstuck is to take that first step from the life you know.

There is no comfort zone anyway.

Everything is fleeting. 

Everything is a transition.

Everything is just in the meantime,

Pit stops to this journey called life.

Godspeed sister.

Wherever life takes you,

You will always have a home in my heart.

live well, love much, laugh often.

done.

looking forward with faith to the possibilities of the new year!

It’s barely a few days to go before the year ends. It wasn’t so long ago that I was so looking forward to the new year. And now I’m all wind up and tired.

I’ve been playing the song in my head. How do you measure a year? Indeed how? Though time is finite, a year’s worth is only your own. My 2007 will never be the same as anyone else’s. So now I’m thinking, if I make my own 2007 highlights what will make up my year? Will I count the many times I lost my temper? Or the times I broke my diaphragm in laughter? Will it outnumber the many times I cried? Have I visited new places? Have I tried something new? Met new people? Fell in love? Am I a better person now than I was 11 months ago? Am I whole or broken?

Endless questions… Quite a number of what if’’s. Inspite it all, I am still me.

I knew I liked him but I never knew how much until recently.  Well, change that. I don’t just like him, I love the guy.  Definitely!  I know that now.  But had I not seen him up close and personal so to speak, I would have gone on without realizing it.

From where I am, I had the perfect view of the stage.  I can still see clearly even without my glasses on.  I sat tight for a possibly once in a lifetime experience.

Josh Groban is undoubtedly a gifted singer and a wonderful performer, funny, charming and witty onstage.  He’s shown he’s quite versatile when he took a spot on the drums and hummed and sang snippets of pop songs and club tunes in between performance.  The other performers with him were astounding musicians as well. (Can’t help but be proud of Lani Misalucha when she sang The Prayer with Josh.)

But more than that, I just cannot describe how it felt to hear him sing the songs that speak my heart.  How easily each song turned into my personal thoughts and feelings. I had goose bumps.  I turned misty eyed.  I was sad, though in a good way.

Josh Groban left me speechless.  He has a song for my very hopes and dreams.  For my deepest sadness and longing.  For my most profound thanksgiving to God.  My heart was aching at every song and lyric.  I was in awe.

To Jimmy, I am forever grateful.

To Gay, I tried but failed miserably.

To Debby, it can’t be Broken Vow forever.

To JG, you know my heart.

Connie sat down at the corner table.  She put down her coffee and looked around the place, a wistful smile on her face.  She used to be a regular at this coffee shop.  It’s been a while…

She looked at her streaming coffee.  She didn’t know why she came here in the first place.  The place was just so full of memory.  Yes.  The tab used to be for a cappuccino and an Americano.  She used to be sitting across him, talking and smiling like it was the last thing in the world.

It all started here.  In this coffee shop as ordinary as the one at the next corner.  A random encounter turned into a short-lived affair.  So short there wasn’t even a decent ending.  He just vanished.  What ever happened to the “20 + 10 contract”?  What was really on his mind? 

Has it been only a year?  Barely.  What was that all about?  So many unanswered questions, haunting, hurting her.

Connie was roused from her revelry.  From across the street she was seeing something she never expected.  Not around here anyway.  It’s him!  He looked the same as the last time she saw him.  He wasn’t alone though.  Despite the sickening feeling, she had to admit that they look good together.  Man, wife, kid and baby.

She looked at the now stale coffee.  Slowly Connie stood.  She stepped back and once again looked around the coffee shop, taking in all the details.  She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of the place, all the memories flooding into her senses.  Reluctant, she opened her eyes and turned to the window.  She looked at them again, taking a mental picture.

Connie left the coffee shop.  Slow footsteps taking her away from it and away from him.  She looked back once.  Twice.  And then walked on with a steady pace.  There’s life in her footsteps now and a smile on her lips.  She’s free and at peace.  At last.

————————-

Curtain Call

September 15, 2007

83 p cruz

We make them cry who care for us.

We cry for those who never care for us.

And we care for those who will never cry for us.

This is the truth of life.  It’s strange but true. 

Once you realise this, its never too late to change.

I was descending on basement 3 of Depression Bldg. My friend Zee was telling me it’s more depressing if I try to think happy thoughts when you’re depressed. She said I should try to do something, maybe write dark poetry. But nothing. My thoughts run in so many dark alleys that I could not catch up with one.

Been surfing… aimlessly checking friendster… literally being sadistic. This bulletin post caught my eye. Topic was Stairway to Heaven. I think it should have merited a more dramatic heading. But the theme suited me well.

Am I ready to die? Spiritually I don’t know. But on the practical side, I think I am. If I get struck by a lightning I think I won’t be missed. I have no partner to be sorry to leave behind. I’ve no kids to worry about if they’re gonna be ok when I’m gone. Well except for my family and closest friends perhaps. But really I won’t be such a loss. They’re so used to the thought of me being away that my demise might just be another year away. Anyway, here’s my version to Stairway to Heaven. It was harder to answer than I thought…

1) If you had a choice, how would you like to die?

- in my sleep

- sitting on the porch, watching the sunset, holding hands with the one I grow old with

2) At what age?

- I’ve always said I don’t want to live beyond 60. but I don’t want to wait that long. If there comes a time when I find no beauty in living, then I wish to die at that very moment.

3) 3 things you want to do before you die (except for saying "goodbye "thank you" and "I’m sorry" to people):

- travel to my dream places with the people I love

- live a full life in my “home”

- organize my own going away party. I always loved that last scene in Meet Joe Black.

4) 3 people you want to meet before you die:

- my soul mate

- the real thing (yeah, the song still haunts me)

- my reason for being

yeah, I think they are different people.

5) What color would you want your casket to be?

- I have not really thought about it. But I’d like my grave to be painted orange.

6) What do you want to be wearing in that casket?

- a cocktail dress and please I want this picture on it… 

7) 2 FRIENDS that you want to give a eulogy about you:

- I actually have a lot in mind. But if I have my way, I’ll have these people talking: Vina, Ed, Jenny, Jam, Zarah, Kras

Why them?

- because they know my heart, even the deepest darkest corners

9) 2 extended family members (meaning not parents or siblings) you want to give a eulogy about you:

- my nephews. that will be funny

10) Why them?

- they love me but they have an irreverent way of showing it hahaha

11) Whom do you NOT want to see in you funeral?

-no one. I want them all there. All who have been part of my life. The ones I quarreled with, laughed with. The ones who broke my heart. The ones who tried to make it whole but broke it in the process. The ones who helped me heal.

12) Why?

- that’s the last time I will ever impose on them I suppose I want it to be a grand reunion. At least the ones who love me can have the chance to throw dagger looks at my non-favorites.

13) Would you like a happy or sad funeral?

- happy. I need people to party and have a good time. If mama’s still around, that would take her off the crying episodes.

14) If you were to be cremated, where would you want your ashes to be kept?

- home is where the heart is.  wherever it is, that’s where I will always be.