Life as I Know It

Yesterday I unearthed my old blog entries. It was not my intention to make an appraisal of my life. I did not feel the need for that. Not now when I am still too preoccupied with the leaving of the boys and my questionable state.

But the thing is, what I read upset me. I was horrified that the tone of my blog hasn’t changed at all. The emotions are so raw it can only be construed as current. How disappointing to note that over the last 3 years, I have been blabbing about the same angst and pains. It’s like time passed but I got stuck.

I may be a hardcore emotera but I will never allow myself to be a loser. So what gives? What have I become in the last three years? In print, it may not look much. As previous contents of this blog reveals, it’s been mostly full moon episodes with an excessive doze of frustrations, heartbreaks, betrayals, disappointments, longings, what could have beens. Ugh! How pathetic. But what can I do? I have the habit of digesting the painful. That’s my way of coping. If I am able to get it out, it tells me I’m getting better. This is why this blog sounds like a depression therapy session.

But I need to remind myself that I am not a loser. In fact, I’m one tough survivor. Yes. I am that person. So I’d like to take stock to the triumphs I have over the past 3 years. This is me counting my blessings so to speak

• There’s nothing I love most than my family. In the end, nothing counts so much as blood. And the little one where I belong hasn’t been spared of trouble. We survived an annulment! It’s been as dramatic as soap operas go. Complete with all the ingredients - buckets of tears, heartbreaking lies, a spell of cold treatment, painful batterings, catastrophic holidays, and so on. It was a very slow recovery. It may not even be called a recovery. It’s more of coping. It’s not without difficulty. Every one of us has paid a high price. The best description to our family now would be unconventional. However, I will always pray that we will all get to that level where we will be a lot happier and at peace than we are now. The sooner the better.

• I have seriously given my Tita role the bestest shot there is. And I will always be that way with the boys. I’m happy that I have been a constant in probably the most turbulent moment of their lives. Over the years, I realized there’s very little that I will not do for them. The phrase “choking with emotion” was as real as the endless tears. I was goddess of waterworks for days. It broke my heart to see them go, not knowing when I will be seeing them again. And it breaks my heart again to think of all the little things that I will miss in their absence. But they were never mine. And they have every right to be with their mother. And yes, they deserve to venture on the new possibilities that their new life offered. It will not be as fulfilling to watch them from the sidelines, but I will make do for the meantime. I will put it this way, they will always be my main motivation for getting a US visa. I never really cared for one before. I cannot live without one now.

• I loved. I lost. I loved again. And then I lost again. And did it the hole 9 yards so to speak. The smiling silly while texting. The cooing on the phone. The blushing over roses and stuffed animals. The trysts. The insecurity over a day’s silence. The crying over frustrations. The spying. The break-up. With one relationship, I thought I found the one I want to grow old with. Maybe I did. I loved him enough. But it wasn’t meant to be. I nearly self-destruct. It took one drunken mistake to pull me back to my senses. But after all the tears are spent, there’s comfort at the thought that finally I can lay to rest my biggest adolescent what-if. That the one that got away, has gotten away for good.

• I am likely to fall again. If I’m being truthful, I’d say I already have. I’m quoting from one of my favorite movie:

  “… I had my heart broken badly by someone that I really loved. But I think your heart grows back bigger, once you’ve got the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way. I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that we all go through. You gotta go through that to come out to a better place.”

  And that’s how I see it too. Friends will tell me, I’m older but none the wiser. Most likely true. But can you really have love any other way? In my dictionary, it can’t be love if it’s any less maddening. Inspite and despite everything, I am still a believer.

• I made progress at work. I have matured. I made peace with the people who didn’t like me and I didn’t like in return. I’ve learned how to concede without sacrificing my beliefs. I know what I want. I know what makes me happy. I know the price I’m willing to pay for what I want. I’ve grown really good at what I’m doing (sometime to the point of being arrogant – this is bad). I’ve tested my limits. And there is still so much more that I can do.

• I have a bigger treasure trove of marvelous friends. I have new friends, the kind that I want to keep for life. Though some of my bestfriends have gone to live far from me, I have met and forged new ties. In the same way that these people have imprinted on me, I have probably left my mark on them as well. My luck with friends is still as before. I form strong bonds. That is always wonderful.

• I am financially more responsible. I am debt free. I have paid off the biggest debt I’ve accumulated. Although I have depleted the little savings I made. I’m getting started again. I have already paid for preparations for my own death (hahaha). I have another that is not so morbid. And I have built a fence.

• And I have two lovely dogs to my name

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

And now it feels like I’m on a fresh start.